Reflection

I wrote this back in 2002 for whatever reason. I've posted it here once. I read it and it got me thinking about things.

I couldn’t help but stare at myself in the mirror. Happiness. Anger. Fear. Weariness. Innocence. Loathing. Humility. Frustration. Temptation. Failure. Many were well represented. I almost didn’t recognize myself even though I know myself. I saw things etched there that no longer mattered, affect me throughout, things that haven’t taken there toll yet. I saw too much. I was still that timid little boy awed by the world around me. If I looked hard at myself I could catch a glimpse of him staring back at me in awe and wonder. How one could be marked and weathered and aged.

I have been thinking.

Thinking about what I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to change. I've been thinking about people who have come into my life, thinking about people who have gone too. Thinking how people effect and change a person (me) as I make my way, trying to find the balance, the harmony, the things that make me who I am, the things I am capable of, being witty, enthusiastic, popular, intelligent, gifted, vibrant, magnanimous, charismatic, principled, self-sufficient, compelling, sentimental, accomplished, noble, healthy and work on being less bombastic, dissatisfied, ruthless, demanding, opinionated, mawkish, egocentric, defensive, foolhardy, willful.

I have been thinking.

thinking how nice it would be to have Char call me up and say hey let's go shout out suggestions for the actors at the next Comedy Sportz show, or to have Brian call me and say let's go over to the bookstore and browse the shelves, Doug to call me up and say we need to get down to Six Flags and ride the Raging Bull a few times, Kim to call and say let's go rent some movies and sit up all night talking.

Thinking about how things were, when did things change? Enough is enough. You have caused too many problems. You have crossed the line. You have taken advantage of things for the last time. Is that who you see me as? I am not that person. I have been thinking that.

I have been thinking about how Mom calls and says you want to play a game of scrabble and order a pizza?, about Tim and Julia calling and saying we need to get down to the Outlet Mall in Kenosha, or Jody calling and saying "Cha-Ching", Pat calling from Michigan and saying I was just thinking about you, thought I'd give you a call, Christine calling and saying it's all about the Big Mac.

I have been thinking about the people in my life, the people I wanted in my life, the ones who make a difference, the ones I could talk to about anything and everything. Focusing on what made the world a little better, brighter.

I reflect upon the good times, the not so good times and think of the people who get me through it all.